"I" Come Before "U" [Even] In The Alphabet!

I am a product of generational compassion, patience, and generosity—it’s in my DNA, i.e.,I am genetically predisposed to being this way. I come from a long-line of nurturing women, and helping the “have-nots” and the vulnerable is a passed-down-through-the-generations tradition. Approximately 95% of us are this way; the other 5% [of us] are not “givers;” rather, they are “takers.” Many people have often said to me: “You’re too kind.” My standard reply has been: “I was raised this way.

I recognized the “giving” spirit in our family at a very young age. The women in our family were always helping people; and people would always come to them for advice (I was nosey, listening to everything the adults talked about—even if I had to hide to hear). They even made us share with others who were around that did not have what we had. It always felt right—to me anyway—and I grew-up believing people appreciate[d] kind considerations.

Up until the Year 2008, I was generous to a fault. And I say up until 2008 because my mother, on her death bed, instructed me and made me promise to reassess my relationships with people and my willingness to assist, especially family. She issued this directive: "Put yourself first." She recognized that I often denied myself the things I wanted or needed in order to help others, and she knew [some] people were taking advantage of my generosity/abusing my kindness.

During the course of my life, and prior to her death, my mother never tried to stop me from helping people. She raised us to help our “fellow man.” But if she was around when someone was asking for my help, and she felt that person sought my help too frequently, she would “grill” them on the basis of their need. She ventured to ask people: “What are doing with your money? How did you end-up in this predicament? How and when will you be able pay her back? Didn’t Saishe just help you not too long ago—again? I've been telling Saishe to put herself first and stop helping everybody with a sob-story and a fine life-style.”

I use to think she was being too harsh on the person [people]. I’m far from being stupid, but I would try interjecting on the person’s behalf when my mother would force them to justify their need(s). I persisted until she would give me the “look” while she was inquiring—a “look” I read well every time. The “look” meant “shut the hell up! I’m trying to identify this person’s motive(s).” She would [then] tell me: “Saishe, you are generous to a fault.” I was ignorant as to what she meant by that, and it took me several decades to grasp the true essence of what she was telling me.

Several days before “Mothers Day” in 2007, my mother said me to: Saishe, before I die, I have to impart this tid-bit of realism: "I" comes before "U" in the alphabet. “Start saying no to people…you need to test the merits of your relationships with people…people only call or hang-around you because they know you will give them anything they need—no matter how much or how often…if you start saying no, you will find out who is for-real and who isn’t because the fake takers will disappear instantly, and the ones who appear to be for-real might stick-around—but I doubt it because when they realize the getting isn’t good anymore, they’ll push-off to…it is my belief that after you start saying no, everybody will disappear and you’ll be the last one standing in the ‘game’… I promise you, you will be alone…” She went on to say: “Stop trying to buy love…most people lack appreciation for the things you do for them because the ones you’re helping now and in the past treat you like s---…and they will quickly show you that if you start saying no to them…” Every time she said things like this to me a chill would rush through my core causing me to shutter because part of me knew she was speaking the truth.

It took awhile for me to recalibrate myself to say “no” when someone asked me for money or some other extraordinary favor. It was hard to turn them down—it wasn’t innate for me to say “no.” I mean: I really struggled with it, but I had to do it because I was living a painful existence, i.e., I was exceptionally good to people, yet they (especially family) often abused me in some manner. I firmly use to believe that if I am respectful and good to you, by you, and for you, you have no reason to hurt me. As smart as I am, nevertheless I was credulous when I thought [my] help was needed.

In the meantime, while I was recalibrating, I starting asking for help—not financial—from family members with things like helping me clean-out my basement or garage, mowing my lawn, or moving large furniture for paint jobs, etc., and every time I was turned down. This helped me tremendously in learning how to say “no” to them.

Eventually, I achieved reprogramming myself. I’ve been saying “no” since the Year 2008, and family disappeared just like Mama said they would, including the “takers” on the periphery of life that were sent to me.

However, I am still a “giver” to children and senior citizens in need. I just don’t do the healthy and the greedy any more. I lost the desire to “give unconditionally” because there should be conditions—"people do not respect free," nor do they respect that which they receive without condition(s). One of my mentors (who was an Economist and Certified Public Accountant, etc.) told me this and he also said: “People respect and value that which they pay for…”

Ask yourself whether or not you’re a “giver.” If so, do an inventory of your “giving.”

If at any time you don't feel right about “giving,” test the merit of your relationship(s) like I did. Start saying “no,” and watch/assess the reaction(s) of the seeker(s). Better yet, ask for their help and see if they’re willing to help you.

On a final note: Since I’ve started saying “no,” I’ve been noticing that [most] people have a healthy dislike for people they cannot manipulate or “freeload” from. The "takers" in my life now know that I know the essence of "I" come before "U."

Saishe Sees! Saishe Says!