I am a product of generational compassion, patience, and generosity—it’s in my DNA, i.e.,I am genetically predisposed to being this way. I come from a long-line of nurturing women, and helping the “have-nots” and the vulnerable is a passed-down-through-the-generations tradition. Approximately 95% of us are this way; the other 5% [of us] are not “givers;” rather, they are “takers.” Many people have often said to me: “You’re too kind.” My standard reply has been: “I was raised this way.
I recognized the “giving” spirit in our family at a very young age. The women in our family were always helping people; and people would always come to them for advice (I was nosey, listening to everything the adults talked about—even if I had to hide to hear). They even made us share with others who were around that did not have what we had. It always felt right—to me anyway—and I grew-up believing people appreciate[d] kind considerations.
Up until the Year 2008, I was generous to a fault. And I say up until 2008 because my mother, on her death bed, instructed me and made me promise to reassess my relationships with people and my willingness to assist, especially family. She issued this directive: "Put yourself first." She recognized that I often denied myself the things I wanted or needed in order to help others, and she knew [some] people were taking advantage of my generosity/abusing my kindness.
During the course of my life, and prior to her death, my mother never tried to stop me from helping people. She raised us to help our “fellow man.” But if she was around when someone was asking for my help, and she felt that person sought my help too frequently, she would “grill” them on the basis of their need. She ventured to ask people: “What are doing with your money? How did you end-up in this predicament? How and when will you be able pay her back? Didn’t Saishe just help you not too long ago—again? I've been telling Saishe to put herself first and stop helping everybody with a sob-story and a fine life-style.”
I use to think she was being too harsh on the person [people]. I’m far from being stupid, but I would try interjecting on the person’s behalf when my mother would force them to justify their need(s). I persisted until she would give me the “look” while she was inquiring—a “look” I read well every time. The “look” meant “shut the hell up! I’m trying to identify this person’s motive(s).” She would [then] tell me: “Saishe, you are generous to a fault.” I was ignorant as to what she meant by that, and it took me several decades to grasp the true essence of what she was telling me.
Several days before “Mothers Day” in 2007, my mother said me to: Saishe, before I die, I have to impart this tid-bit of realism: "I" comes before "U" in the alphabet. “Start saying no to people…you need to test the merits of your relationships with people…people only call or hang-around you because they know you will give them anything they need—no matter how much or how often…if you start saying no, you will find out who is for-real and who isn’t because the fake takers will disappear instantly, and the ones who appear to be for-real might stick-around—but I doubt it because when they realize the getting isn’t good anymore, they’ll push-off to…it is my belief that after you start saying no, everybody will disappear and you’ll be the last one standing in the ‘game’… I promise you, you will be alone…” She went on to say: “Stop trying to buy love…most people lack appreciation for the things you do for them because the ones you’re helping now and in the past treat you like s---…and they will quickly show you that if you start saying no to them…” Every time she said things like this to me a chill would rush through my core causing me to shutter because part of me knew she was speaking the truth.
It took awhile for me to recalibrate myself to say “no” when someone asked me for money or some other extraordinary favor. It was hard to turn them down—it wasn’t innate for me to say “no.” I mean: I really struggled with it, but I had to do it because I was living a painful existence, i.e., I was exceptionally good to people, yet they (especially family) often abused me in some manner. I firmly use to believe that if I am respectful and good to you, by you, and for you, you have no reason to hurt me. As smart as I am, nevertheless I was credulous when I thought [my] help was needed.
In the meantime, while I was recalibrating, I starting asking for help—not financial—from family members with things like helping me clean-out my basement or garage, mowing my lawn, or moving large furniture for paint jobs, etc., and every time I was turned down. This helped me tremendously in learning how to say “no” to them.
Eventually, I achieved reprogramming myself. I’ve been saying “no” since the Year 2008, and family disappeared just like Mama said they would, including the “takers” on the periphery of life that were sent to me.
However, I am still a “giver” to children and senior citizens in need. I just don’t do the healthy and the greedy any more. I lost the desire to “give unconditionally” because there should be conditions—"people do not respect free," nor do they respect that which they receive without condition(s). One of my mentors (who was an Economist and Certified Public Accountant, etc.) told me this and he also said: “People respect and value that which they pay for…”
Ask yourself whether or not you’re a “giver.” If so, do an inventory of your “giving.”
If at any time you don't feel right about “giving,” test the merit of your relationship(s) like I did. Start saying “no,” and watch/assess the reaction(s) of the seeker(s). Better yet, ask for their help and see if they’re willing to help you.
On a final note: Since I’ve started saying “no,” I’ve been noticing that [most] people have a healthy dislike for people they cannot manipulate or “freeload” from. The "takers" in my life now know that I know the essence of "I" come before "U."
Saishe Sees! Saishe Says!
Monday, May 6, 2013
Familiarity Breeds Contempt
Are you familiar with the wise old saying: Familiarity breeds contempt?” If not, take the time to acquaint yourself then take heed to it because its meaning is one of the principal avenues people use to abuse you emotionally and/or destroy your integrity.
While growing up my mother often broached this subject to assure and remind me and my siblings that privacy is the best policy. She trained us not to volunteer information and to only answer what is asked of us—if the inquiry was not too intrusive. Frequently, she told us: “The less people know about you, the better.” This is a principle that she required us to believe, adhere to, and live by.
Whenever my mother was in the presence of us and our [so-call] friends, and she heard them asking us personal questions, she would cut us off cold from answering the question(s) and ask them: “What is the value in you knowing that? Why do you want to know that?" Or, she would bluntly say: “That is absolutely none of your business! Stop asking people about their personal business! A dog that’ll bring a bone will carry a bone…” And sometimes she would say to us in front of our friend(s): “This girl is not your friend.” Then she would make them leave our home. Yeah! It was always shocking to witness.
Although we always followed our mother’s lead, we felt—when we were young—that she was being “old-school” and untrusting; didn’t want us to have friends, etc. And of course our friends did not like her at all. But guess what: Mama was right! Over the years, I perfected being a “heeder” of my mother’s advice.
Familiar means: To know (Known). Breed means: Produce. Contempt means Disrespect/Hatred…
When you reveal secrets, personal and/or confidential information to others, you are making that information known thereby making people familiar with you and your circumstances. If and when a falling-out occurs between you and that person, more than likely that person will use the information they know about you to breed (produce and unleash) contempt (disrespect/hatred) for you.
Most of my life, I have been an extremely private person. Early on in life, I became “the wiser,” and began fiercely guarding my privacy, allowing absolutely no one to breach it. And if anyone made an attempt, I would stop them in their tracks (and there has been a few I had to damage psychologically for life—no holds barred! Believe it!). But I learned that “family” members are the truly the ones who use what they know about you against you.
My sisters were the biggest offenders at exercising “familiarity breeds contempt,” especially the one who is a Scorpio—this female is deadly. So while I harbored a utopian concept about family, I seldom share[d] anything personal about me with them. Whatever my sisters knew about me was by default because we lived in the same house. They initially taught me not to trust people with confidential information.
When we were kids, I noticed that whenever one of my sisters was around a particular friend, respectively, they would slander another friend who wasn’t present. Then when the slandered friend came [back] around, they would vilify the friend that participated in the slandering of the previously slandered friend. This was disgusting to me. I was always insulted by such behavior and would take my sisters to task for it in the presence of their friend(s). I would even go as far as reading the riot act to their friends for engaging then pretending to be friends with the very people they held contempt for. Witnessing what my sisters and their friends did to others was a driving force behind me being afraid to have friends. But what really convinced not to tell [people] anything personal about me was my mother telling my business anytime, anywhere, to anyone--this blew me.
The few friends I had early in my adulthood proved as well to be practitioners of familiarity breeds contempt. I made it perfectly clear to them how adverse I was to them stabbing [their] friends/family in the back, and assumed if they did it to people who placed confidence in them they would do it to me. So needless-to-say, I never was able to maintain friendships due to my principles. And to this day, I do not have any friends. Rather, I have a couple acquaintances with whom I socialize with on limited as-needed basis. I do not have allow visitors in my home—even some family members—and seldom do I visit other people. And I never, ever discuss any personal or business matters with anyone. I am guilty only of speaking-up when the time comes—no matter who it is or what it is about. Eventually people stopped coming to me with malicious gossip, and cautioned others about the tongue-lashing they would-be-in-for if they engaged in my presence.
I have seen familiarity breeds contempt” in-play and it’s ugly. So whenever I am approached by someone who became a victim and want counseling, the first thing I ask the person is: Are you still associating with the perpetrator?” If the response is “yes,” I ask “why.” Usually their response is non-sense so I simply say to them: “The less people know about you, the better—remember that and stop making the same mistake by telling people your business.”
In most instances, it is easy to identify people who are capable of or have intent on being a practitioner of “familiarity breeds contempt” because they ask too many questions. Usually, 90% to 100% of their conversation(s) with you consists of questions—probing—rarely offering up information pertaining to them. Their queries are usually highly personal and targeted; and when they don’t receive the exact information they are seeking, they regularly become extremely and oddly irritated. Beware! Also beware of friends who become irritated with you for no reason—they are definitely guilty of betraying your trust.
Be alert to people who bring negative information to you about others and prologue (introduce) their unfavorable commentary by stating: “Don’t tell them I told you but...” The person is definitely not your friend. If a “real” friend want to make you aware of something they think you should know, they do not ask you to hide the source of the information they’ve given you, and they will defend your honor—upfront, on-the-spot (like I do/have done).
Never be reluctant to walk away from people who violate your trust. If a person, including family ever betray you and/or cause you to suffer any level of emotional pain that has proven to be mentally and/or physically unhealthy for you, keep them out of your life—even stay away from the people they socialize with.
If you’re in a place or a situation that scares you, or is otherwise adverse to you and your way of life, leave and stay away from that place or situation. You can only be exposed to that which you subject yourself to—or allow others to subject you to. You do not owe anyone your peace of mind, nor should you never knowingly give access to a person who has already infringed your reputation or integrity.
I have eliminated so many people and family members from my life(including people on the periphery of their respective lives)that I virtually became an observationist(loner). However, I'm not suggesting that you become a loner, but I am recommending that you eliminate those from your life who violate your trust.
One other thing: The longer I exist as an observationist the better I'm getting to know myself—and others.
Love, Saishe (Sees. Saishe Says.)
While growing up my mother often broached this subject to assure and remind me and my siblings that privacy is the best policy. She trained us not to volunteer information and to only answer what is asked of us—if the inquiry was not too intrusive. Frequently, she told us: “The less people know about you, the better.” This is a principle that she required us to believe, adhere to, and live by.
Whenever my mother was in the presence of us and our [so-call] friends, and she heard them asking us personal questions, she would cut us off cold from answering the question(s) and ask them: “What is the value in you knowing that? Why do you want to know that?" Or, she would bluntly say: “That is absolutely none of your business! Stop asking people about their personal business! A dog that’ll bring a bone will carry a bone…” And sometimes she would say to us in front of our friend(s): “This girl is not your friend.” Then she would make them leave our home. Yeah! It was always shocking to witness.
Although we always followed our mother’s lead, we felt—when we were young—that she was being “old-school” and untrusting; didn’t want us to have friends, etc. And of course our friends did not like her at all. But guess what: Mama was right! Over the years, I perfected being a “heeder” of my mother’s advice.
Familiar means: To know (Known). Breed means: Produce. Contempt means Disrespect/Hatred…
When you reveal secrets, personal and/or confidential information to others, you are making that information known thereby making people familiar with you and your circumstances. If and when a falling-out occurs between you and that person, more than likely that person will use the information they know about you to breed (produce and unleash) contempt (disrespect/hatred) for you.
Most of my life, I have been an extremely private person. Early on in life, I became “the wiser,” and began fiercely guarding my privacy, allowing absolutely no one to breach it. And if anyone made an attempt, I would stop them in their tracks (and there has been a few I had to damage psychologically for life—no holds barred! Believe it!). But I learned that “family” members are the truly the ones who use what they know about you against you.
My sisters were the biggest offenders at exercising “familiarity breeds contempt,” especially the one who is a Scorpio—this female is deadly. So while I harbored a utopian concept about family, I seldom share[d] anything personal about me with them. Whatever my sisters knew about me was by default because we lived in the same house. They initially taught me not to trust people with confidential information.
When we were kids, I noticed that whenever one of my sisters was around a particular friend, respectively, they would slander another friend who wasn’t present. Then when the slandered friend came [back] around, they would vilify the friend that participated in the slandering of the previously slandered friend. This was disgusting to me. I was always insulted by such behavior and would take my sisters to task for it in the presence of their friend(s). I would even go as far as reading the riot act to their friends for engaging then pretending to be friends with the very people they held contempt for. Witnessing what my sisters and their friends did to others was a driving force behind me being afraid to have friends. But what really convinced not to tell [people] anything personal about me was my mother telling my business anytime, anywhere, to anyone--this blew me.
The few friends I had early in my adulthood proved as well to be practitioners of familiarity breeds contempt. I made it perfectly clear to them how adverse I was to them stabbing [their] friends/family in the back, and assumed if they did it to people who placed confidence in them they would do it to me. So needless-to-say, I never was able to maintain friendships due to my principles. And to this day, I do not have any friends. Rather, I have a couple acquaintances with whom I socialize with on limited as-needed basis. I do not have allow visitors in my home—even some family members—and seldom do I visit other people. And I never, ever discuss any personal or business matters with anyone. I am guilty only of speaking-up when the time comes—no matter who it is or what it is about. Eventually people stopped coming to me with malicious gossip, and cautioned others about the tongue-lashing they would-be-in-for if they engaged in my presence.
I have seen familiarity breeds contempt” in-play and it’s ugly. So whenever I am approached by someone who became a victim and want counseling, the first thing I ask the person is: Are you still associating with the perpetrator?” If the response is “yes,” I ask “why.” Usually their response is non-sense so I simply say to them: “The less people know about you, the better—remember that and stop making the same mistake by telling people your business.”
In most instances, it is easy to identify people who are capable of or have intent on being a practitioner of “familiarity breeds contempt” because they ask too many questions. Usually, 90% to 100% of their conversation(s) with you consists of questions—probing—rarely offering up information pertaining to them. Their queries are usually highly personal and targeted; and when they don’t receive the exact information they are seeking, they regularly become extremely and oddly irritated. Beware! Also beware of friends who become irritated with you for no reason—they are definitely guilty of betraying your trust.
Be alert to people who bring negative information to you about others and prologue (introduce) their unfavorable commentary by stating: “Don’t tell them I told you but...” The person is definitely not your friend. If a “real” friend want to make you aware of something they think you should know, they do not ask you to hide the source of the information they’ve given you, and they will defend your honor—upfront, on-the-spot (like I do/have done).
Never be reluctant to walk away from people who violate your trust. If a person, including family ever betray you and/or cause you to suffer any level of emotional pain that has proven to be mentally and/or physically unhealthy for you, keep them out of your life—even stay away from the people they socialize with.
If you’re in a place or a situation that scares you, or is otherwise adverse to you and your way of life, leave and stay away from that place or situation. You can only be exposed to that which you subject yourself to—or allow others to subject you to. You do not owe anyone your peace of mind, nor should you never knowingly give access to a person who has already infringed your reputation or integrity.
I have eliminated so many people and family members from my life(including people on the periphery of their respective lives)that I virtually became an observationist(loner). However, I'm not suggesting that you become a loner, but I am recommending that you eliminate those from your life who violate your trust.
One other thing: The longer I exist as an observationist the better I'm getting to know myself—and others.
Love, Saishe (Sees. Saishe Says.)
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